No Dice
by AibouFTW
Summary: To think: originally, I had planned to spend the night reading a book. How did that plan change? How is this even happening? How did Arnold Shortman, stand up citizen and pretty ordinary guy, end up having to carry something racy like sex dice on the bus?


To think: originally, I had planned to spend the night reading a book.

How did that plan change? How is this even happening?

That's all I can think about as I sit here on the bus, looking out the window. I sure hope no one has noticed how tense I must be, or how my pocket has a strangely shaped bulge. I tap my hip, making sure it's still there. Seriously, how is this happening right now? How did Arnold Shortman, stand up citizen and pretty ordinary guy, end up having to carry something racy like _sex dice_ on the bus?

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm _that_ much of a prude. Helga and I have been pretty… _active_ …for years now; since high school. Especially after being with a girlfriend like _Helga_ , I can say I've seen and done plenty of things. If anything, I'm somewhat jaded now.

…However, "not being embarrassed by the idea of sex" and "feeling comfortable carrying a bag of sex dice in your pocket on the bus" are completely different things. The bag in my pocket feels like it's on fire, the corners of each individual die digging into my skin like some sort of scarlet letter. It doesn't help that the dice in question are pretty large, so it looks really obvious that I have something peculiar in my pocket. I might as well have flashing lights stitched onto my pants, displaying "ARNOLD'S GETTING LAID TONIGHT." I shudder at the image. It's moments like these that make me envy Helga for being able to carry a purse around, to properly hide stuff like this.

So, again, how is this seriously happening?

Well, I guess that's a pretty simple answer. It actually has to do with Gerald.

* * *

I blew some of the heat from my coffee - probably making a face at how I should have put more sugar in it - as Gerald collapsed into the sofa in front of me. One look at me and Gerald had already figured it out. "Not enough sugar?" he asked with a smirk.

I heaved a sigh, nodding my head in defeat. "You really know me well, don't you?"

He shrugged, his body the picture of nonchalance. "It all comes with the package of being your best friend."

"Yeah, I guess you can say that."

I let him start his drink, some sort of latte, before talking. I could tell from his expression that he had really been craving one of those, and I honestly couldn't blame him. He had been out of town on his and Phoebe's honeymoon in Tokyo for the past two weeks, so he had probably missed this little coffee shop. "So, Gerald, do I even need to ask how the honeymoon was, or is it safe to assume that it went really well?" I asked with a bit of a chuckle.

Gerald chuckled with me before placing his latte on the small table between us with a satisfied sigh. "Oh man, Arnold, it was _amazing_! I'd never _seen_ such a big city in my life…and I _live_ in one!"

I let out another chuckle. "Gerald, Hillwood isn't really that big."

Gerald scoffed as he rolled his eyes. "Says the guy who left the city for college. But seriously, Arnold! I bet you could imagine the biggest possible urban jungle ever, and Tokyo would _still_ eat it alive!"

"You make it sound like you were more fascinated with the city than with your _new wife_." I couldn't help but laugh at the way Gerald's eyes narrowed. He's always so hilarious when he's defending his fian-I mean, _wife_. Wow, that's going to take a lot of getting used to! "I'm just _kidding_ , Gerald!"

He kept up the shallow glare as he took another sip of his latte. It was only when I couldn't stop laughing that he joined in as well. "Yeah, I know man. I'm just pushin' your buttons."

"So did Phoebe enjoy it? Being back in Japan, I mean."

"Yeah, she really did. She hadn't seen her grandparents since she graduated high school, so she was real ecstatic to see them again. But I have to tell ya, man, it was so _weird_ seeing her speak so much Japanese. It was like she'd never lived in the States! It was a real turn-on, surprisingly enough."

I couldn't help the smirk from curling my lips. "Speaking of turn-ons, were you able to try out one of those love hotel things you told me about before?"

Gerald almost spit out his drink at those words, choking on air as he coughed. I guess that's what's so great about being the plain one of the group: I can always take him by surprise by being unexpectedly bold. Oh man, it's even _better_ when I do it to Helga. The way her pale cheeks splash with red; the way her eyes widen, giving me an even better view of her pale blue irises; the way-

"Okay…just _how_ did ruffling my feathers lead into another daydream about _Helga Pataki_?" My heart skipped a beat at the sound of his question. How does he always find a way to say her name like she's still the big bully she was back in fourth grade? The one ruling the halls of P.S. 118 with an iron fist? And how does the idea of that always gets me a little excited? She had changed quite a lot since then, which is only natural because then we were all nine, and we're all well into our twenties now. And oh _man_ how she had really _changed_ , in more than just her personali-

"What, are you now imagining her spread out with weird sex toys under you at a love hotel?"

 _Shit_. I guess it was my turn to lose myself into a coughing fit. Unlike Gerald, I wasn't able to catch my drink before it spilled out of my mouth. Luckily, it all went back into my mug. Also unlike Gerald, I really find that I can't talk about stuff like this. Sex in general is fine, but when it comes to sex that _I'm_ a part of. With _Helga_. I just. Well, I'd always been one of those "Whatever happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom" kind of guys, after all.

Trying to regain my composure, I took another sip of my coffee. "You still haven't answered my question, Gerald."

He only laughed before shaking his head. "We didn't get to try. Phoebe just couldn't bring herself to do it. She didn't think it was clean enough or something like that. Personally, I think she was too embarrassed at the thought."

"That's definitely Phoebe all right. Are you disappointed about that?"

Gerald shrugged. I could only envy how well he kept his composure as he talked about his sex life. "I'd be lyin' if I said no, but that disappointment was only like a smudge on my shades. Let's just say…she _definitely_ made it up to me later."

"Oh god, I don't even _want_ to know."

He laughed at that. Then his eyes flashed open, as if he had just remembered something important. "Oh! There's something I want you to have a look at later, preferably with Helga."

Helga? Already he had my interest piqued. I didn't even have to ask before Gerald took out a velvet bag from his pocket and held it out for me to take. I held the mystery bag in my hands, trying to figure what was inside it by groping around the edges. In the end, my curiosity got the best of me as I peeked in a little before immediately closing it at seeing the word "Naked." Oh god, I could feel my face get hotter. I couldn't believe I had forgotten about those.

"Gerald…are these…?"

"The honeymoon sexy dice Sid gave me at the bachelor party? That would be correct."

"But. Why are you g-giving these to _me_?"

"Didn't you hear what I just said? I want you to show Helga. It will definitely be an _experience_ , let me tell you!"

"Okay…if you say so, Gerald."

"No, trust me, Arnold. Helga will get a _kick_ out of it!"

* * *

…and _that's_ how I ended up here. On the bus. With sex dice in my pocket. Man, I really shouldn't have let Helga take the car today. But, then again, she _did_ have that important meeting with the publishing company…I guess this is what happens when you're the "nice guy." And I must be the "nicest guy" because she didn't even try to beg. In fact, it was the opposite: she tried to convince _me_ to take the car, but my stubbornness won out in the end.

A warm feeling washes over me as I look out the window. Helga really has changed a lot over the years. If I had offered her something like this when we were younger, I know she wouldn't have shown the amount of kindness that she did earlier today. She'd still be too terrified of the world around her to leave her protective walls of sarcasm and malice. But now she isn't afraid of letting that compassion out, and yet she has still kept that fire.

As I grope around at the dice, I let my mind wander. How will she react to the dice? Part of me can totally see her laughing at them, filled with disbelief that they even exist. Yeah, that's probably _exactly_ how she'll react. But why can't I stop imagining her grabbing me by the wrist, a huge, unashamed grin stretching ear to ear as she yanks me down the hallway up to our room?

She would then throw me on the bed, her crystal eyes darkening as she crawls on top of me. She would chuckle into my ear, making me shiver. "Is that something in your pocket, or you just excited to see me?" she would ask, her voice like velvet.

I would gasp at the feeling of her slender fingers groping at my pocket, but somehow managing to brush a finger or two over my crotch. "I guess you could say…it's a little bit of both?"

I would feel cold when she'd pull away, her lips turned into a scandalous smirk as she would look down at the dice in her hand. When did she take them out? Her smirk would widen, probably reading the confusion written on my face. "So let's see what sort of… _dirty_ plans are in store for us tonight."

She wouldn't break her gaze away from mine as she'd shake the dice in her hand. With a flick of the wrist, she'd drop them onto the bed. We would both look down to see that the dice read "Grind!" and "Naked."

Her eyes would be half-mast as she looks at me. "Well, well, _well_. What do we have here?" Before I'd even have the chance to answer, she would capture my lips with hers. "I guess we have no choice but to obey what they say." I wouldn't be able to keep in a groan when she-

A flash of familiar red speeds by. Wait. What? Is that the-

 _Shit_.

Somehow I managed to get so stuck in my daydream that I actually missed my bus stop. Good going, Arnold. In a rush, I yank the rope next to me. When the bus shows no signs of stopping, I sigh as I sink back into my seat. It looks like I'm going to have to wait until we reach the next stop.

Luckily, it's only a few blocks away. Maybe the chilly air will help relieve the… _tension_ I feel. I can't approach Helga like this. As Gerald likes to remind me: she is Helga G. Pataki, not a slab of meat in a sea of nothing but lettuce.

Also, who can say that she'll even _want_ to try the stupid dice? As much as my daydreams would like to think otherwise, I honestly think she'll be too tired from the meeting today. Perhaps I can try tonight, and if she's too tired, then I can try again tomorrow.

Sounds like a plan.

With a sigh, I open the door to the Boarding House. The moment I step inside, my heart speeds up, like it's trying to break out of my ribcage. Why am I so nervous all of a sudden? It's just Helga. Helga G. Pataki. My girlfriend. And it's not like any of the other boarders are home at the moment. You've got this, Arnold.

Trying my best not to think about how my heart might jump out of my throat or how the dice suddenly feel heavier in my pocket, I walk down the hallway and into the kitchen. Whenever Helga has a big meeting, she always fixes herself up a cup of black coffee. I've always admired the way she can just chug the stuff down with a straight face.

As I approach the kitchen, the smell of coffee beans fills my nostrils. Yep, just as I thought. I wonder what kind of mood she'll be in toda-

Well, I wasn't expecting this.

Helga's at the table like usual, but she's hunched over, her head resting on her folded arms. Steam rises out of the mug next to her, her coffee all but untouched. Wow, that meeting must have been rough. I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow.

I can't help the smile on my face as I take in the sight of her. Her golden hair as it cascades down onto her shoulders. Her soft back as it rises and falls with every breath. Her mouth as hints of drool trickle from her lips, down her chin, and onto her pink sweater. She truly is beautiful.

However, as beautiful as she is, sleeping on the table like this is going to make her body stiff and sore when she wakes up. I rest my hands on her shoulders, my fingers tender like I'm handling a porcelain doll.

As much as Helga would tear me a new one if she ever found out about that comparison, I can't help but find her fragile when I look at her sleeping face. When she's awake, she is _more_ than capable of everything she sets her mind to, even if that means beating the living daylights out of someone when in trouble. But when she's asleep, she just looks so… _vulnerable_. Like she put down all of her shields, her walls, her ways of protecting herself. And she allows _me_ of all people see her this way, every night. How did I get so _lucky_?

Yeah, I think I'll just carry her to our room-

She stirs at my touch. Is she waking up? "Is that you, Football Head?" she mumbles, her eyes still closed.

I chuckle as I start rubbing her shoulders. "No, love. I'm just a random stranger breaking and entering."

She scoffs, but it only sounds like a grunt. "Hey, when did _you_ get so sarcastic?"

Another chuckle escapes me as I press a kiss to her temple. "I dunno. Maybe it was because of this fiery bully who picked on me back in elementary school. Made my life a living hell. I think she might have rubbed off on me."

The corners of her lips curl up a smidge. "It better be because of that bully and not some other asshole."

"There was never anyone else. Only her."

"That's _exactly_ what I want to hear."

She hums as I press my thumbs into her shoulders. Man, she's really stiff. I bet anything that the meeting took a lot out of her. "So, how did the meeting today go?"

That hum becomes a chuckle. "It was a bitch. I swear, the publishers have no idea what they're talking about. They just kept repeating themselves. Fuck, it was such a waste of everyone's time."

I slide my hands down her arms. "I'm sorry to hear that."

She sighs. "It happens. So how was your catch-up, bro bonding time with Geraldo?"

"It was…interesting."

"How so?"

"Well, about that. I have kind of a surprise for you, if you're interested."

Her smile picks up a bit. "I'm listening."

"So Gerald gave us something…interesting…to check out together." I press my lips to her ear. "It might make tonight very exciting."

She shivers, finally opening an eye. Wow, I really forgot how much I missed seeing that shade of blue today. "Exciting huh? Well, call me intrigued."

I back away when she sits up. She extends her arms out in a stretch before leaning back, resting against my chest. I rub her arms, peppering whatever part of her face I can reach with kisses. She hums before shaking her head. "But actually, Arnold…can it wait until tomorrow? I really am fucking exhausted."

Yeah. Just as I thought.

…but what could it hurt if I tried one more time? "Well, it _could_ wait, but…I'm actually really curious to see how it will all play out. You see, I've been put through the awkward task of having to carry it on the bus. It was hard to keep my mind off of it."

She lets out a chuckle. "Oh? So it really _is_ that kind of interesting then? It wasn't just my mind throwing itself in the gutter?"

I laugh. "Yeah…you could say that." At the sight of her yawning, I kiss her head. "But if you really want to wait because you're too tired, I completely understand."

She joins in with the laughter. "Okay. You know what? Now I don't know if I can say no."

I try not to sound too excited. "Really?"

"Yeah. Just don't keel over from all that excitement or anything. It's only because now that you've built it up so much, I just _have_ to see what it is."

I guess I failed at reigning in my zeal. Oh well. I don't let it bother me as I give one more kiss to her temple before standing up. I take her waiting hands and pull her up with me. Helga takes one look at my face and her eyes light up, her lips twisting into a smirk. "You're really excited about this, aren't you?"

I shrug before pulling her out of the kitchen and down the hallway. "I guess you can say that."

We make our way up the stairs and into our room. I take both of her hands in mine as we sit on the bed. Helga's smirk widens as she looks into my eyes. We've been dating for _years_ now, why does making eye contact with her _still_ make my heart race? "So…what kind of adventure do you have in store for us tonight, Football Head? By any chance, does it have anything to do with that lump in your pocket?"

My face feels hot as I reach into my pocket. "Y-You noticed?"

She barks out a laugh. I'm glad to see that she looks more awake now. "How _wouldn't_ I, you big lug? You would have to be either blind or just plain stupid to not notice that _something_ is ready to pop out of your pants."

I let out an awkward chuckle as I take out the velvet bag and pour out its contents into my hand. It's like all the energy from my coffee earlier directed itself at my heart, for as fast as it's pounding. And why does it feel so _hot_ in here?

At the sight of the dice in front of her, Helga's eyes widen before she bursts into laughter. "Oh my god! Holy shit, Arnold, you actually have. I can't. I mean, _criminy_!"

I roll my eyes at her before giving her a dry smile. "Ha ha I know. _Hilarious_. Is it really _that_ surprising?"

It feels like forever before she manages to calm down enough to speak. "It-It's just that. You. _You_. On the _bus_. With actual _sex dice_ in your pocket! Oh _fuck_ , I can only _imagine_ the look on your face! Especially at the adult store. Oh man, this is _too_ good!"

I can't help but laugh with her. It's crazy that she was thinking the same thing I was earlier. We really are kindred spirits, aren't we? "I think you might have forgotten, love, but I had said that Gerald gave them to us. You know, while we were at the coffee shop? Are you sure you're not too tired to do this, Helga?"

Her laughter dissipates. Her blue eyes sparkle with mirth, her smirk not fading. "Well, you _did_ say this would be exciting. How can I pass this up?"

I grin as I start shaking the dice in my hand. Maybe this will turn out pretty cool after all! My insides feel like they're doing somersaults as I let them go.

The dice read "Sleep!" and "With Clothes On."

…

..

.

Well. _That_ was not how it went in my head earlier.

Nothing is said between us. The hum of a car rushing by. The chime of a bicycle circling around the neighborhood. The thump of a basketball hitting pavement. Such inconsequential sounds bounce into the room like a symphony with how silent we are.

Helga only stares at me, her face expressionless except for the raising of an incredulous eyebrow. It's as if she can read my mind. Or she's immediately starting to regret her decision in letting me try this out. I can't quite decide which.

As surreal as it was, the silence only passes for a beat before I grasp the dice and start shaking again. "I bet that was just a fluke," I say with another awkward chuckle.

I let the dice go. They read, "Jog!" and "Slowly."

Another beat of silence. "Wow," Helga scoffs. " _So_ sexy. Arnold, go get me a fan. I think I might actually pass out from all the sexiness that lay sprawled out before me."

I narrow my eyes at her, getting frustrated with her snark. "No sweat. I bet-"

"Yeah, _that's_ definitely something we won't be doing."

" _Helga_ …" I can't help but frown at her, partly because of her sass, and partly because of my own disappointment. I snatch the dice once again. "Let's try one more time."

I only shake the dice with more force when Helga's eyes narrow, her infamous scowl appearing. "It's not going to get any better."

I match her glare with one of my own. "You don't know that. Let's see what this time brings us." I let go.

The dice read "Jog!" and "Outside."

Another beat before I grab the dice again. I jump at the sound of Helga growling in frustration as she rips the dice from my hand. "Okay, that _tears_ it! _I'll_ do it, because you're too fucking stubborn to realize that this is just a piece of-"

She drops the dice before she had originally intended.

They read. "Eat!" and "Quickly."

The silence, as well as the tension, is almost suffocating at this point. I let out another awkward chuckle. "Hey, maybe _that_ one could be interpreted as kind of-"

"Oh don't even _try_ to defend this piece of shit, Football Head. It's not going to work. You know that. I know that. Fuck, probably _Phoebe and Gerald_ knew about that and _that's_ why they gave them to us."

My eyes narrow again as my mouth twists downward. "Helga…That's not a very nice thing to insinuate about our best friends."

Helga opens her mouth, as if to say something, before she's interrupted by her own yawn. She shrugs before jumping off of the bed. "Well, I don't know about you, but _I'm_ all sexed out. And craving something salty." She smirks at me before walking to the door. "Hey, why don't I whip us up some popcorn and a movie while you go call Gerald and prove me wrong?"

And, just like that, she's gone, leaving me alone in the now empty room. I can do nothing but stare at the open door. I can't believe this didn't work out, or – even more – that the dice failed so _much_. Is Helga right? Did Gerald know about this ahead of time? I heave a heavy sigh before joining her downstairs.

Helga has already finished popping the popcorn and preparing the movie by the time I make it to the living room. She turns to look at me, eyebrow raised as I lean against the wall near the couch. I shrug as I pull my phone out of my pocket, ready to call Gerald. Helga turns the TV on mute.

After a few rings, he picks up. "What's up, man?"

"Hey there, Gerald. I have a question for you."

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Put him on speaker!" Helga whispers beside me, her lips stretched into quite the mischievous grin.

I roll my eyes at her as I press the speaker button. "So Helga and I just tried those dice you gave us earlier today and-"

Gerald bursts into laughter, his guffaws spilling out of the speakers and permeating the room. "Man, you actually _tried_ that shit?! Oh god, I can't!"

"Uh, of course we did? Why else would you give them to us?"

"Oh, _Arnold_! Do you have some sort of short-term memory loss or something, because I told you to ' _show_ them to her,' not ' _try them out_!' Seriously, man, did you even _look_ at the commands before you started blindly throwing them around?"

"Well, uh. I mean, you gave them to me and-"

Gerald's laughs become even louder. Thank god I ended up putting him on speaker instead of holding the phone to my ear. I have no doubts that I would have gone deaf. "Oh wow, how many times do I have to tell you? You are _way_ too naïve for your own good!"

"But you said Helga would get a kick out of them when I show her."

"Yeah…by howling in _laughter_. The amount of absolute _fail_ that these dice are seems to be right up her alley."

"But I figured you and Phoebe had already used them."

Gerald laughs so hard that he starts heaving, desperate for some air. What is it that he finds so goddamn _funny_? _I_ don't think it's that funny. "What are you talking about? We didn't even _try_ them! We had only taken one _look_ at them when Phoebe calculated that the chances of us actually getting anything sexy would be too low to waste our time! Oh god, I can't believe you actually _tried_ them! And _in earnest_! Oh, this is _too_ good!"

"Gerald! I can't believe you!"

"I got you so _good_ , and I wasn't even _trying_! Just wait 'til I tell Phoebe!"

"Well, you can tell me about it later. I gotta go."

Gerald only laughs harder at my response. He's still laughing when I end the call. I can't believe him! How could he have been so-

More laughter. I look toward Helga to find her with her head back against the couch, cackling. Letting out a frustrated growl, I stomp out of the living room and into the kitchen, too irritated and disappointed and just done with _everything_ to deal with her at the moment. I need something to calm me down.

Luckily, getting myself a glass of water ended up doing the trick. It's not long before I join her once again. Helga's laughter fades as she watches me plop down next her on the couch. I look at her, prepared for any amount of snark she's got up her sleeve. "Let me guess: you told me so?"

Grinning like the cat who got the cream, she only nestles herself farther into the couch before handing me our popcorn bowl to share. "Well, now I kinda can't since you stole the words out of my mouth, but…I _told_ you so! Seriously, Football Head, I agree with your best bro: you are _way_ too naïve!"

Unable to meet her jeering eyes, I look down at the popcorn bowl on our laps. "I know, I know."

There's nothing but silence in the living room. Unless you count the faint static coming from the old TV or the whirring from the DVD player.

Well, I can't say I'm not disappointed. Not just because I wanted to relieve the tension I've been feeling for the past hour or so, but also because, well, I guess I was really looking forward to having another fun experience with her in bed. That I could have done something to impress her, since I feel like I hardly ever do that. If anything, I just wanted to do something that would _really_ blow her mind, get her to-

My heart skips a beat when a warm hand make its way into my own. "Hey Arnold?"

At the sound of concern in her voice, I turn my gaze to Helga to see her eyes glittering with sympathy, her brows furrowed. The moment our eyes meet, though, the corners of her lips turn up. "Well, let me tell you what. When we're done with this movie, we'll see what… _other_ ideas we can do."

Before I can stop myself, my mouth stretches into a grin as I lean in to press my lips to hers. "I like the sound of that," I murmur as I pull away.

Her grin is as wide as mine when she grabs the remote, turning on the sound and starting the movie.

To be honest, I'm not even close to paying attention to the movie. My mind is more focused on the beauty currently resting her head on my shoulder. It takes all of my mental strength not to jump her during the movie. She had said that she had wanted to see this one for a while, and she _was_ tired. I think I'll just have to accept the fact that nothing is going to happen tonight. Even if she tries, I'll convince her that I'm fine and that she should get a good night's sleep. Yeah, she might be stubborn about it, but I think I can be-

Wait. It's now that I notice that she hasn't changed her position in a while. I haven't even felt her hand reach for the popcorn. I look down to see that her eyes are closed, her chest rising and falling with her deep breaths. Yep. I knew it. She's too tired to do anything tonight. Even watch a movie.

I heave a sigh as I reach over her for the remote, turning off the TV. After resting the unfinished popcorn bowl onto the end table next to me, I sneak one arm behind her back and the other under her legs as I lift her off the couch. Each step is cautious as I carry her up the stairs and into the hallway, careful not to hit her feet against anything or wake her up. When I reach our bedroom, I lay her down on the mattress.

A warm feeling rushes through me as I press a soft kiss to her forehead. I then change into my pajamas before slipping into bed next to her, pulling the covers over both of us. I turn on the lamp next to the bed and take out a book. A smile makes its way to my face as Helga snuggles into my chest.

Well, I guess I'm spending the night as I had originally planned.

~ Fin ~

* * *

This was inspired by a photo I saw on Tumblr (just Google "sex dice fail" and you should find it!). Hope you enjoyed! :)


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